Back Page: To the Drunk Guy from Last Night

By Sal Ruibal
Photo by Blake Jorgenson

You were pretty wasted last night when you left the bar. That's why it was so
easy for me to follow you home as you wobbled through town on my bike. I thought about smacking your head with the piece of wrought iron fence you broke to steal my bike, but that would have been too easy.

And you were so wasted that you didn't even notice me walk behind you through your open front door. You passed out on the living room couch and were snoring before your head hit the cushions.

Thanks for leaving that big bud on the table. Pretty tasty. And that big bottle of cold Duvel in the fridge was excellent. Filling my bladder with Belgium's finest led me to your bathroom, and I guess my stream was a bit stronger than your pathetic tinkle because your girlfriend woke up and walked into the scene. She started to yell, but I put a finger to my lips and whispered that I was a friend of yours and had brought you back home after you got wasted.

"Thanks for nothing," she sneered. "I kicked his sorry ass out of here yesterday. And I know you're not a friend because he's too much of an asshole to have any friends left. Besides, he took the last two fives out of my tips purse before he left."

She's a beauty, you know, in a mountain-town waitress sort of way. No makeup, wearing a big Fox T-shirt and gym shorts. Sparkly toenail polish. Just my style.

She poured herself a short glass of Duvel. I told her the real reason why I was there and she coughed and laughed and said, "Well, we're in the same leaky boat. Got any bright ideas?"

Well, I did and she did, too. All night, bro.

She's a very sweet girl and we're hitting the road to see just how many bike parks we can ride in a season. If it were not for your 'wasted' efforts, all three of us would have just gone on with our wasted lives.

To make sure you read this, I've taped it to your nose. And so your friends won't think you're a total loser bike thief--even though you are--I'm taking the bike back to the bar and taping a note on it. Maybe this will help you become a better person. You can have the bike and the five bucks. I'm keeping the girl.

Peace …