Photo by Alexa Miller . Story by Sal Ruibal

It is a myth that drinking on an empty stomach will make you drunk faster. The human stomach is rarely truly empty. That medium-rare hamburger that you started to eat just deposited billions of bacteria into your gut.

Bacteria sound like horrible things, but they rule the Earth— and the first 75 feet above the surface and the first 25 feet below. The cheese on your hamburger is the result of bacteria reacting with cow milk, turning it into yellow curds mushed into edible squares of Kraft crap.

People in Scandinavia eat a lot of cheese because they don't have banana trees or papaya trees. Instead of making sweet tropical cocktails out of tasty fruits, they make vodka out of grains and potatoes. Vodka is pretty much just grain alcohol with a few old raw potato peels. Absolut is absolutely legally

Vodka is perhaps the easiest way to get drunk fast, surpassed only by intravenous tequila. But because vodka looks like water and is almost tasteless, the poison detectors in your brain have not evolved to the point where they can sense a big fuck-up about to happen.

Because your brain on alcohol cannot sense danger, it makes you do things you would not normally do, such as sticking your wet tongue into the ear of that cute redhead drinking a Bud next to you at the bar while you take a photo of the smooch with your iPhone.

The iPhone was designed by Apple to facilitate communication between humans all over the world through shared experiences. The boyfriend of the girl whose ear you just licked is now smacking your face with your iPhone, thus facilitating your shared experience of pain with your 247 voicemail contacts.

Your iPhone is broken. Your face is broken. Your friends have deserted you. The police are coming. The cheese and ground beef you ate is about to mix with the vodka in a vomit geyser of epic proportions. You also have peed your pants. Don't worry about it.