Palmer's Peeves

Lace-up shoes for mountain biking are so incredibly stupid. Why on earth are they so popular these days? Hey, people, we already solved the problem, like a long time ago. Can you adjust the tension of a lace-up shoe while you're riding? Nope. And, what do a lot of lace-up shoes have in order to prevent the laces from flopping around and untying? That's right, Velcro straps. People say you can more evenly tension laces than buckles. Not true. People say they're more comfortable. Also not true. Let's just call it what it is. You want to look cool. You want to fit in. Y'all have fun with that. I'll be over here with my weirdo boots with buckles and Velcro and stiff soles and other things that actually serve a function for mountain biking. Because I'm not going skateboarding.

The Torx bolt interface is supposed to be better than Hex. It's something I should love, after all; it's a better design. You can apply more torque for any given bolt size than Hex, and rounding the socket or tool is less likely. It's just a nicer fitment. Plus, the Torx tool sizing is always the same, whether it's a metric or SAE thread—or even a wood screw for that matter. I actually seek out Torx heads when working with wood because they don't cam out the way Philips does. But Torx is not always better. For bikes, Hex works just fine, better in most cases. The torque on most bike bolts is low enough for a given thread size that Torx isn't necessary. I say "necessary" because Torx tools are much more expensive than Hex ones. I like nice tools, but I'm also on a budget. Snap-On charges $252 for a 10-piece Hex bit socket set, and $368 for an equivalent Torx bit socket set. Not to mention the fact that I've seen many more broken-off Torx tools than Hex ones. Those little star tips break off, and even if you've got your Snap-On guy on speed dial, it's still a pain in the ass. If Hex works just fine, why would I want to go out and get Torx tools on top of that? Or even instead of? Plus, when Hex wrenches eventually round off, you can cut or grind the worn end off and make your wrench brand new again. Not so much with Torx. I'm really want to love Torx. I know it's better, but it's just not better enough to justify having all these extra tools. And don't even get me started on brake rotor bolts, where Torx made its debut on bikes. For the love of God, can we just make the tool interface a little deeper? There has to be another millimeter to spare. Hey Super Boost Plus, get we get a millimeter for better bolts over here?

There's no way in hell that Steve Jobs would have approved this shit. It's a disgrace. A big protruding eff-you to Jobs' legacy as the pickiest design critic of our day. You lay a new iPhone down on its back and it won't even sit flat because this awful hemorrhoid of a camera is sticking out of it. Yea, I love the image quality, but Jobs would have found a way to keep the quality and make the thing flush. Really, Jony Ive? Really? I can hear you all now, being like, "If you put a case on it ..." Yea, well, you shouldn't need to put a case on a phone. That thing should be designed to hold up. My Motorola RAZR basically did nothing compared to the supercomputer that is the iPhone XR, but at least I could get pissed off, angrily throw it across a parking lot, come to my senses, and calmly walk over to it to find it in one piece, working flawlessly. My new phone is encased entirely in glass. Glass? Are you kidding me? Yeah, it's damn sexy. But, if you need to just cover it up anyway, then what's the friggin' point? Excellent products should be beautiful and functional.

Which actually leads quite well into my next topic. Crank boots and pedal washers. If companies didn't make their cranks out of garbage, they wouldn't need to accessorize them with these absurd things. Just make them strong enough. Make the pedal lugs out of harder material. Stop listening to weight weenies. Those assholes have had brands tied around their anorexic fingers for far too long and it's time for them to quit ruining our fun. I'd go on, but I have a whole other peeve lined up for weight weenies and don't want to waste all my disses on this one. Crank booties. I've got these lovely carbon cranks that I have to hide because they're too fragile to be left uncovered. Unacceptable. Try harder.

Loud hubs scream of poor design. It's possible to make hubs with good engagement that don't damage everyone's eardrums and displace wildlife habitats. And for the record, this race to the most points of engagement is absurd, to the point of being childish. Almost nobody needs super-high-engagement hubs, so can we please stop prioritizing that over literally everything else? Maybe focus on noise management instead of engagement so that people can enjoy some peace and fucking quiet. The reason we went for a ride in the first place. Y'all hub companies are so quick to get engaged, maybe you should play the field for a bit. You know, work on something else, like reliability and better sealing. These people who celebrate loud hubs might be even worse than the people manufacturing them. What about a hub sounding like it's about to self destruct is appealing to you? I saw a patch the other day that said: "Loud Hubs Save Lives," which I have to assume was made specifically to upset me. It worked.

This peeve of mine is nearly extinct, but I wanted to make sure to call some attention to the trusty zip-tie before it's off bikes for good. I love the zip-tie, it's a wonderful invention that's good for so many jobs. I always carry some in my riding pack just in case, because you never know when it'll come in handy. The zip-tie is one rung down from duct tape on the ladder of most useful household items, but it should not be designed into bikes. Zip-ties are mainly for tying wires together. That's why they're found in the electrical section of hardware stores and not on bike shop floors. They are great for certain things, but they should not be part of a bike's cable management system. They're a quick and dirty shortcut around proper design, and they deserve better. The proud and mighty zip-tie should be saved for true rescue jobs, such as holding your lace-up shoe closed after you ripped the laces up in your drivetrain.