News of the Tweet: Lies and Mistruths

Bigfoot’s dick, the Pope goes live and print It green.

By Seb Kemp

Concrete evidence that women are stone cold liars was uncovered this week. Men, since the moment Adam's (rib) bone created Eve, have worried that their slug is too small and wasn't pleasurable enough for their partner.

However, in a study (Lever, Frederick & Prpulau, 2006) incorporating 26,000 heterosexual male participants and 26,000 heterosexual female participants, they asked both men and women how satisfied they were with their penis sizes or their partners’ penis sizes. In this study, more than half of men (55%) were dissatisfied with their penis sizes. However, in the same study, only 15% of women were unhappy with their partners' size. So, supposedly women don't care about the size of your yacht.

However, absolutely irrefutable evidence has come to light which proves that every woman that responded to that survey (and vis a vis, every woman EVER) were lying. The evidence that shamed all of ladydom was that scientists believe that bigfoot is real and is actually the mongrel bastard offspring of a woman and an 'unknown hominin' making the beast with two backs.

"The genome sequencing shows that Sasquatch mtDNA is identical to modern Homo sapiens, but Sasquatch nuDNA is a novel, unknown hominin related to Homo sapiens and other primate species," said team leader veterinarian Dr. Melba S. Ketchum in a news release. "Our data indicate that the North American Sasquatch is a hybrid species, the result of males of an unknown hominin species crossing with female Homo sapiens."

I don't know what it smells like, but the unknown hominin's dick was probably a four-course meal for the lady who unwrapped it, forever and irreparably altering the gene pool of the Wonderland. If size doesn't matter, why engage in sexual relations with a giant hairy beast that lives in the forest?

Now, I've not read too much into this (for one, it's the Internet generation, baby, and I don't have time to digest, just mindlessly consume) but it does raise a question of informational authenticity.

There's a lot of information about bikes out there. None of it is lies, but certainly can be misleading at worst, perplexing at best. A bike is no longer just a bike, but rather a series of hurdles and puzzles, which seem designed to trip up and fool us. It's worse for riders new to mountain biking, but gives nerdy tech geeks a source with which they can prove their superiority. I'm not advocating less technology, just a little less science where layman's language can be used, and less pseudo-science where common sense should prevail.

My advice to @Minxified is to track down a trustworthy source of information about bikes and all related matters. A book perhaps. Heck, not just any book but a book that one reader described as "by far the most profound and inspiring book I have ever read."

Wow, when he gets round to reading a dictionary his mind is going to be blown.

Talking of Lopes, after years of hating he has bitten the bullet (that signs his checks) and has been riding a 29er. Of course, 29ers are old news to the rest of the restlessly consuming bike world but for Lopes this is revolutionary. Funny thing is that this comes just as 650b rolls into town, farting and rubbing its grubby fingers on the curtains. This must be about the only thing Lopes has come last in in a very long time.

The Bicycle Retailer were frothing about 27" wheels last week.

Anyway, back to help. Perhaps what we all need is a role model or someone who can set a good example. Like Shanaze Reade, Britain's great hope for BMX racing gold at the last two Olympics. Or maybe not…

Talking of inspirational and spiritual figureheads, the Pope has signed up for Twitter. Despite not yet sending one single tweet he already has over 300,000 followers.

Even though he is silent, people have been baiting his account with irreverent and often caustic tweets.

Talking of birthdays, Monday was the twentieth anniversary of text messages. In 1992 a boffin sent a text message from his computer to a phone. The message simply read, "Merry Christmas".

Next week NOTT goes to print. It's more environmentally friendly, according to some sources.

So, if like me you want to make the world a happier, cleaner, greener place then you can have copies of NOTT faxed to your office or home. Just write in with your fax number and how many copies you would like to have sent to you. Alternatively, if you don't have a fax machine, or just want to have beautiful copies printed on heavy stock washi paper, embossed and printed using iron gall inks, so you can read NOTT on the crapper, then just send in a stamped address envelope to:

I Played With Big Foot's Sausage And I liked It,
Lope's Mansion In The Sky,

To see us out this week is an exceptionally baffling video created by social guru (cough, cough), Erik Qualman from Socialnomics. The video is an animated infographic telling the story of how social is taking over the world through an array current statistics.

My favorite statistics from the video (which might be as true as Bigfoot's daddy's dick getting some human tail) are:

– In 10 years over 40% of the Fortune 500 companies will no longer be here.

– Every minute 72 hours of video are uploaded to YouTube.

– 1 in 5 couples meet on-line.

– 1 in 5 divorces are blamed on Facebook.