News Of The Tweet: Dem de Rulez

Spoiler alert, dressing like a goat and Seinfield [yawn]

By Seb Kemp

This past weekend the Claymore Challenge was on. I couldn't watch the live streaming of the events (seriously, how good is it that we have so much live streaming of events?) however, I was keen to find the results so I tuned into Twitter: the most reliable and rapid source of news and information for mountain bike events that don't believe in having a publicity officer on the pay role. [note: Highland Mountain has a publicity officer who did do a great job. @Highlanfd_MTN]

Similarly for the #tdf which came to an end last weekend with the world's best interview subject taking it away.

But if you don't want to have the results handed to you like a slap in the face then there is help at hand.

This is a fantastic way to prevent Twitter spoiling your favorite TV shows, movies or sporting events by filtering out specific words and phrases from your feed.

I'll be using this to filter out #comediansincarsgettingcoffee.

I've seen a lot of people go la-la about this new web video series by Jerry Seinfield and I just don't get it. The premise is simple – it is spelled out in the title – but it is supposed to be two famous guys just going about their insanely rich lives doing the sort of normal stuff that only insanely rich guys can do. More so, because they are "funny" guys with a past history doing what people describe as "comedy" it is expected that they are funny 100% of their lives and following them around just filming them doing their day-to-day things will be a recipe for hilarity. I mean, Jerry Seinfield must piss comedy, right? Well, turns out that they aren't funny almost at any moment during the filming of their regular lives. More so, Jerry Seinfield has to play up the laughter to make the dull shite that comes out of their mouths seem funny. It is like he is an audience cue card pointing out when we should act. Those "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" cue cards were what all the funny-that-they-weren't-actually-funny US comedy shows survived upon.

Here's a hint. If you need to be told that something is funny, then it isn't. Likewise, if someone points out something isn't funny then don't listen to them and see for yourself.

I never saw what was so national belly laughingly funny about Seinfield and I really can not see the interest in watching two people eat lunch and not be funny. With a straight face please watch this televisual pap smear and try tell me that watching this is funny. It would be funnier if they followed around two not so rich old guys, at least that way they wouldn't have overly inflated egos and comedy complexes from an entire nation and industry telling them they are awesome when really they aren't.

Anyway, back to bikes. I don't think we need rules in mountain biking just a lot more common sense.

Common Sense #1 – Be less of a dick.

Common Sense #2 – Be less of a pussy.

Common Sense #3 – Pull your socks up.

Common Sense #4 – Those that wave flags do not deserve to have one.

Common Sense #5 – Beat only yourself.

Common Sense #5 – Be a man through and through.

Talking of what not to wear. Clothes are all about context. Sure, dressing like a fairy makes sense if you are surrounded by fairies. It helps you to blend in and become a part of the fabric of the community you find yourself in. However, what you have to consider is that the moment your fairy brigade comes in contact with the normal world.

I like riding bicycles and recently I have had to ride more road bikes than usual. I very much enjoy getting out into the view, feeling the old familiar sting of pins in my lungs and battery acid in my thighs. I enjoy riding my bike somewhere for a purpose so my rehab rides have taken me to lovely towns and communities that have good coffee and cakes. So I stop and chat with friends, old and new, about the cakes, life, love and the universe. Doing so while wearing "baggy" shorts is much easier than if I was in a figure-hugging suit. I don't feel confident about talking to the world while wearing something that promotes my penis and I don't think the lovely lady at Black Bird Bakery in Pemberton wants or needs to see my boner poster.

It is all about context. I am not racing, I am going somewhere. I am cycling for the enjoyment and health benefits it brings so I don't need to go 5 seconds faster per hour by making the purpose of my journey less enjoyable.

However, if I was in a pack of budgie smuggling waifs then maybe lycra would make sense. It is all about context. Like this chap who wants to blend in with his kind…