News of the Tweet: 97 percent of the Internet is as dumb as a hammer.

RockShox, shocks and shocking numbers of simpletons

By Seb Kemp

Since no one cares about the social media goings-on of the mountain bike industry, or perhaps just the weekly dribble fest that is The News Of The Tweet then I'm going to solve 50 percent (or 0 percent) of the problem and not talk about tweets at all this week.

Instead, here is a video. Please pay attention because you will be tested after watching it.

Question 1.

When you heard Jeremiah Boobar in the video say, "In fact, this shock is so advanced that many riders will never be able to reap the true benefits of its capabilities," it made you:

A) Angry
B) Chuckle

Question 2.

The statement, "Sadly, 97 percent of riders lack the skills to push the Vivid to its limits," made you:

A) Log onto your favorite forum or the comments section of your favorite dumdum website and smash your fingers into your keyboard to the tune of your own outrage while a string of barely decipherable words appeared
B) Nod in agreement

Question 3.

Do you really believe that RockShox has a "document [that] mandates that only riders with pro licenses can purchase the new Vivid"?

A) Yes
B) No

If you answered A) for any of those questions then well done, you are the 97%. And RockShox have made their point. They weren't out to name and shame the less-than-talented 97 percent of mountain bikers, but rather the 97 percent who are so monumentally cretinous that dear old Darwin is posthumously editing his theory of evolution through natural selection with the postscript, 'I was wrong. What can I say? It sounded good at the time.'

RockShox's plan was simply to find out who the idiots really are. If you are one of the ass hats who got wound up by their little tease then you probably can't tell the on-trail difference between a $400 rear shock and a potato stuffed into your linkages, unless there was a forum thread you once read about the performance co-efficiency and damping characteristics of starchy tubers.

RockShox's marketing plan went to plan perfectly, and all because they knew that walking amongst us all is an entire army of utter mouth breathers who would be willing to bite on the lure set for them. It's scary to think that members of this otherworldly cult of morons, miscreants and chumps might be driving the bus you ride to work or maintaining your office's intranet or bullying your children at school. They are everywhere, but most of all, they are on the Internet.

And because – and I'm taking a wild guess here – 97 percent of their meaningful relationships are harbored on the Internet, they are willing to do the work of the marketing executives who press their buttons, wind them up, and watch them fly off the handle.

Well done keyboard warriors of the Internet. The rest of the sane world can all sleep safely now we know exactly who not to get stuck in a lift with. The comments fields and forums have been carefully scrutinized and the names of the gullible have been logged onto another document that mandates that they are in no way to be allowed to reproduce.