Dirty Words: Holiday Gift Guide for Cyclists Who Still Have Money

By Sal Ruibal

The Holiday Gift Guide is a wonderful way to find new ways to express the love you have for the sport of cycling. This year, the sport needs even more of your money because of the large legal bills from lawyers, the hush-hush fund and the UCI kickback programs. Thanks for your support.

Let's kick off the giving with the $19.99 Café Press Smile Bike White T-shirt, made of 100% cotton. "Stay comfy and classy…" says Café Press. Yup, 20 bucks for a white cotton t-shirt. Classy. It probably costs that much because it is tag-less. Less is more. But they're not a total rip-off: If you click the website button, they'll donate ten cents to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Be sure to include that as a deduction on your tax return.

Trek has been especially hurt by the Lance Armstrong doping revelations because it really was about the bike. Even with the aid of illegal doping products, it is absolutely certain that one cannot win the Tour de France without a bike. To make sure that the brand can continue to promote its Tour de France heritage, Trek has introduced the $21,000 Trek Threesome, a triple-threat bike that goes 200 percent faster than a solo bike. Trek is so confident that Threesomes are better than twosomes or individual efforts, it is marketing a possible sweep of all three major jerseys at Le Tour. This bike was designed for competition with one stoker and and a set of twins. Winning!

Several well-known ProTour race photographers have seen their incomes significantly decreased by the scandals, resulting in a glut of peloton-passing-sunflowers prints and the devaluation of Champs-Elysees victory salute shots. But you can help a shooter out by purchasing a special edition Lance Armstrong "Screw You" X-Ray of Mellow Johnny's cracked collarbone. The X-Ray itself costs just $25, but with added costs associated with the fight against Obamacare, the holiday photo total is $22,500. All private insurance cards will be honored.

Despite the best efforts of the Charter of the Willing signees, you can be assured that doping in the pro ranks will continue. But with so many users and fewer (wink-wink) healthcare providers, the $35,000 Aethon Drug Dispensing Tug-bot is just the thing. 100% not-human and not subject to the anti-doping laws, it cannot be compelled to testify and its memory banks can be erased clean with a $4,000 dispenser of EPO-Gone disinfectant wipes, 25 to a pack.

Since most of us aren't real pros even though we wear pro kit and pretend Strava is the moral equivalent of the UCI World Cup Rankings, the Hannah Teter "Let's Not and Say We Did" bed linens set ($20,000 donation to her Kirindon Village project in Kenya) is just the thing. The LN&SWD linens only come in snowboard motif, but that's good enough of an excuse to sleep in on snowy days. (Hannah Teter not included).

Stocking stuffers: Hasbro "Spin the Wheel" Game of Life ($4.50 at Walmart) helps you avoid brain-freeze induced by the inability to decide which mountain bike you want to ride. Simply spin the wheel and where it lands — 26er, 29er or 650b – is how you roll, so stop asking me which is best … The Schwinn S logo Rivet Cruiser Saddle ($44.99 at Amazon.com) is so damn big it has a picnic blanket-sized top for snack stops on the way to Jellystone Park … Got a riding partner who just won't shut up? Give them a shot of GLU, a super-powerful dental adhesive that will lock that yapping jaw for weeks. Also works great for nagging family members who visit over the holidays.

For the real deal for righteous Christmas presents, go to shop.bikemag.com. Would I steer you wrong?