Dirty Words: Frequently Asked Questions From Readers Answered

By Sal Ruibal

I get a lot of mail about the blog, most of it from nice blond women in Russia requesting my personal information for inclusion in "Top 50 Blogs in the Ride of Cycling Apparatus Annual" and other compilations of addresses, passwords and Social Security numbers of internationally famous writers. I'm honored.

Of course, I am too humble for these accolades and instead pass on the names, passwords and SSNs of the people behind the scenes at BIKE who make it work most of the time. They deserve to share in the glory.

I get lots of questions, and the "Most Frequently Asked FAQ" is from some guy named Bill From Chillicothe, who every week asks, "How in the Hell did those goddang nimrods give you a blog?"

Well, Bill, the answer is pretty simple. The staff of BIKE has a huge vat that contains three billion slips of paper, each one with the name of a living human being. The editors reach down deep in the vat and pull out a name. The name on that slip of paper gets $1 million in gold and the right to write whatever they want for the blog that week.

Amazingly, I have won that lottery every single week! I'm RICH!

The second most-asked question is, "Do you guys get free bikes and, if so, can I have one?"

The answer is Yes, we do get free bikes and, No, you cannot have one. These are very special bikes that can only be ridden by incredibly intelligent people who have special skills and immense vocabularies. You would be surprised how many people think "gnarly" is spelled "narly." The correct spelling, of course, is "gnar."

The third most-asked question is, "I like to take pictures of bikes. Here is some that I took in my backyard. Please pay $1,000 or free bike."

Really, that's not even a question. But photographers don't need to know speak to how. They don't even have cameras these days. All those photos and videos of guys (almost always guys) flipping bikes and flying upside down are really just CGI files created in an Apple-DreamWorks sweatshop factory in Shanghai run by outsourced Keebler Elves.

Everything in BIKE world is made in China. You were probably made in China but those memory cards were erased before you were shipped with the last batch of Specialized S-Works Epic Dude Flying MTBs.

We also sub-let those files for other uses. If you look close at Burger King ads on TV, you'll see yourself at a table in the back knocking down a juicy digital Whopper (with 100% real Wisconsin cheese). You're also in some other shots - in Hell. Happy New Year! Gnar.