Stevil Kinevil Recaps the Tour de France

Ed. Note: We’ve enlisted the quill of Paved columnist Stevil Kinevil to update us regarding all the happenings going on in that bike race over in France—except he hasn’t watched any of it.

Stage 1- A bus crashed, lots of riders crashed, my computer crashed, Marcel Kittel won, those who bet against him crashed. I went grocery shopping.

Stage 2- A boy in a blue shirt and his little white dog were almost reduced to a fine red mist by the peloton, America may have been cut from any live streaming of the race. Kittel was all “oh, nuts” when Jan Bakelants rolled by him and said something like, “Oh, sweet yellow jersey bro. YOINK!”

Stage 3- I may or may not have been napping.

Stage 4- Ted King was bounced for finishing seven seconds outside of the time allowance, all the while suffering a separated shoulder received in a crash due to the bus winning the first stage. My attention span and concern for ASO is dwindling rapidly. Simon Gerrans joined his teammate—the bus—in taking the stage win for their team Orica-GreenEdge.

Stage 5- While scanning for information on this stage, I got derailed when learning that English swear words have made it into the German dictionary. A kid trying to chase the peloton gets clotheslined by a fellow spectator, teaching the lesson of ‘better luck next time’. Or maybe that happened in the sixth stage. Confusion is setting in and my notes are a mess. Giving up, I left my house for the day to ride a bike.

Stage 6- I have even less of an idea about what happened than usual. I’m very good at keeping secrets from myself. I have no television coverage, and have been spending far too much time riding my bike than reading about others riding theirs. Looking it up on the intertubes, I see that Greipel won, yet South African Impey is in the overall lead. Burry Stander would be proud.

Stage 7- Dutch-sounding American Christian Vande Velde crashed, ending his Tour, as did Norwegian sprinter Edvard Boasson Hagen, but because he’s a Viking, he will probably return to battle. Impey’s retained a grasp on the yellow, and as of the very moment I hit send, there had not yet been a stage winner declared. That brings us up to speed. It’s safe to say that you’re actually dumber after having read this. And, for the sake of full disclosure, the only bike races I care to watch are a handful of the Spring Classics. Don’t get me wrong. I love the racing of the bikes, but since I was a very young person I’ve found that my attention span is nil and I would far rather spend time doing stuff than watching other people doing stuff.

Unless I’m invited to no longer contribute to Paved’s Tour coverage, which is more than likely, be sure to come back next week for continued blow-by-blow action. It’s sure to disappoint.

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