Dear Sky Pro Cycling Team,
Thank you very much for the offer to join your prestigious and successful UCI ProTour team for this weekend's Paris-Roubaix classic.
At least I think that was the offer you were extending when you had your clothing partner, Rapha, send me a race kit with my name and national flag sublimated into the jersey's side panel.
Thanks, too, for getting the sizing right. I can't tell you how much it would've bummed me out to even consider taking the starting line in Compiègne with ill-fitting team kit. And I appreciate the use of black as a main color—it almost makes me think I'm at full-on, race-ready weight once again.
Your offer of employment, no doubt, stems from my, um, stellar palmarés in this queen of classics, and I am incredibly flattered to think that Team Sky would want me on its Paris-Roubaix squad, but I have a feeling I would let you down. Because, to be completely honest, my office-chair fitness would be just barely good enough for the rollout after the start. And if I even made it to the entrance of Wallers before sundown, I doubt I could maintain the momentum required to keep my pretty Sky team kit off the deck.
So I'm going to pass on this one. I'm pretty sure Edvald Boasson Hagen, Bernhard Eisel, Mathew Hayman, Salvatore Puccio, Gabriel Rasch, Luke Rowe, Ian Stannard and Geraint Thomas have Paris-Roubaix adequately covered.
PS: Are you still sending me a Pinarello?