News of the Tweet: Douchebaggery

Spot the difference, cocks, and surprising results.

By Seb Kemp

Well, the word is out that I am lurking on profiles and following tweets. Like a social media sheriff – a bent and corrupt one – I’m keeping an eye on it all. The problem is now I might have to change my name so people don’t realize who is watching them (eh, @theScottBikeman?). However, this now means I am just as accountable for my own actions, as demonstrated by @jevonearth calling me out for klouchebaggery.

Wondering what Klouchebag is? So was I. Luckily friendly and helpful site The Creative Finder came to the rescue.

According to TCF, “Apparently Klouchebag is a new social aggregator which calculates how talkative someone is based on their Twitter activities. Unlike Klout – which gives a score based on social reputation on social media sites – Klouchebag provides an entertaining rating system which berates certain social media etiquettes such as using poor language, begging followers for retweets, and for checking into every location on Foursquare.”

OK, so let’s back up a little here before we go and rate ourselves and many others for their possible sins as klouchebags. What on earth is Klout?

Klout, it seems, is a video game for the social media generation. Although it is touted as a useful tool for individuals and businesses to asses their influence and engagement across their social media outlets, it appears to be nothing more than a way of creating a game out of social media. You have “quests” to complete such as reading the rules and sharing Klout with your friends, and then you set forth into the social media realm to try and raise your score.

Klout scores range from 1 to 100, with higher scores corresponding to a higher assessment by Klout of the breadth and strength of one’s online influence. Klout scores are further divided into measures, also ranging from 1 to 100, that Klout calls “True Reach”, “Amplification Probability”, and “Network Score”.

True Reach is based on the size of a person’s “engaged audience” of followers and friends who actively listen and react to her or his online messages. Amplification Score relates to the likelihood that one’s messages will generate actions (retweets, “@” messages, likes, and comments). Network Score reflects the computed influence value of a person’s engaged audience. There has been criticism that Klout is way off the mark because according to some scores it rates some blogger and social media dullards as more influential than figures like @BarrackObama. But it is very much a game, with rules, systems and strategy that make sense within the context of the game but means f-all in the real world.

It is sort of like Strava – you are competing on the internet. Which in turn is just like Dungeons And Dragons.

Klouchebag was developed by a chap called Tom Scott who resists the validity and accuracy of Klout’s quasi-scientific measurements and decided to have a little fun instead.

I checked my Klouchebag rating and it turns out I scored 61. Which means “facepalm central”, whatever that means. I think that is pretty high – which in the context of Klouchebag isn’t so good. From what I understand a lower score makes you less of a social media retard. To understand this more I figured it would be pretty interesting to take some of my favorite Tweeters this week and find out their score as we explore the News Of The Tweet.

Let’s start with everyone’s favorite fast family, The Athertons.

Gee obviously got tired of Coronation Street and actually picked up a book this week. I commend Gee for coming out publicly as having half a brain. It can’t be easy keeping up the image of barbell bending, barbie bouncing butchness. But what is his Klouchebag score?

Not bad. Lot’s of retweeting and no social apps. But what about his sister?

Not bad either. So staying on the Enduro rider theme let’s have a look at current Enduro racing superstar, Jerome Clementz.

What the heck? ZERO points and “a nice person”. Can this man do no wrong? Not content with sweeping the Enduro circuit clean he also gets a perfect Klouchebag score.

He can even dirt jump, as we can see from this tweet. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does win Crankworx Fromage this year.

Talking of global sporting events spreading their wings, this week X-Games announced the locations for the franchise expansion. Whistler lost out to Brazil for the April slot but it is hardly surprising considering that the focus big telecommunications businesses (which make up a lot of the X-Games sponsor dollars) have on emerging economies like Brazil right now. However, if I was Tignes in France I would be less than happy with this tweet.

Tinges? Where is that? Well, that’s find out where the X-Games klouchebag score is.

Bugger, I’m still losing. There must be someone out there with a bigger score than me. Who could that person be?

Of course, Flying Brian has to be the biggest klouchebag of all…

Seems not. According to Klouchebag he is a bit of a douchebag but still I am beating him. [Note: I’ll call it beating Lopes because it will be the only thing I’ll ever beat him at and perhaps this will incite him to try increase his score this week.]

While lurking through Lopes’ past tweets I came across this picture.

Which reminded me of the competition that Bike magazineis putting on over on its Facebook page. Apparently all you have to do is create an epic video using your POV camera and you can be in with a chance to win a trip to Whistler to stay with Bear Back Biking.

I think video is a winner.

But back to who is less of a douchebag than me. After seeing Anthill’s Strength In Number movie last week I am still blown away by Graham Agassiz’s riding. Big, burly, stylish are just three words I use to describe his crashes. The kid must be made of rubber because he gets up and produces the best moments of the whole movie when he isn’t lawn darting. The kid is a talent and I could watch a whole movie of him. In fact, I wish the movie had being made up of mostly Aggy. Surely his Klouchebag score will be lower than mine?

No? Yes!

Perhaps it is tweets like these that push him into the upper echelons of Klouchebaggery.

But moving on from the penile obsession.

Spot the difference. Well, this is another aspect of the head-to-head battle of SRAM and Shimano, and there is only one way to resolve this. That’s right, Klouchebag.

And that completes the week of twitter with the results being that Gee Atherton is less of a douchebag than his sister but more than the X-Games. Lopes is less of a douchebag than Aggy but much more than Sram or Shimano, and Jerome Clementz may as well be sainted.

To see where you stand then go to klouchebag.com and then drop your score in the comments field below.

For anyone on Klout (I am on Klout now but strictly for research purposes) then perhaps you won’t have time to do this because you are too busy fighting dragons and getting towed into a timed section.

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Add a Comment

  • TJ

    Great read – Thank you Mr. Kemp. Thank you.

  • kevin english

    I’m a solid 16, always been more of a lurker/stalker. I do see that you’re number is dropping, you should tell Lopes the race is on.

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