Left Field: What I’d Do for Your Hat

Danielle Baker digs deep to score that one bit of prized schwag


Words and Photo by Danielle Baker

I’ve been lusting over a Bike hat for some time now. It seems that everyone in my life has one.

Everyone, except me.

While I was on the road with Sombrio, I quietly plotted how I was going to get myself this one crucial bit of schwag. I even managed to liberate one from its owner for a short time before sheepishly having to return it. No amount of eyelash batting or flattery would return it to me. In light of the fact that I clearly can’t flirt my way into this new bit of headgear, I’ve compiled this list of 100 things I would do for a Bike hat.

This goes out to the “higher-ups” at Bike who, apparently, hold onto these things as if they were made out of gold….

1. I would call your grandma a dick.
2. I would show you a boob, but just one.
3. I would show you both boobs.
4. I would have a stripper teach me how to do the worm.
5. I would buy you a hooker.
6. I would rent you a go-cart.
7. I would run really fast.
8. I would stop talking for a day (or maybe 15 minutes).
9. I would ride a tandem with you.
10. I would lasso a wild donkey and name him Chico.
11. I would not get a mini horse for the rig.
12. I would not giggle at the word ‘box’ for a year.
13. I would make you return your new recumbent.
14. I would become a third wife in Utah.
15. I would give you a unicorn for your birthday.
16. I would flip birds.
17. I would perform White Snake’s “Here I Go Again” at Karaoke.
18. I would feed a whale.
19. I would ride 961km by myself.
20. I would build you a pump track.
21. I would give you a hug (but just one).
22. I would buy a pet rabbit and name it after you.
23. I would memorize all of Hightower’s lines from the first Police Academy and recite them for you.
24. I would get Scarlet Johansson’s phone number for you.
25. I would wear an ape suit for a day, with no explanation.
26. I would punch a bear.
27. I would eat bread.
28. I would be the big spoon.
29. I would teach your dog to high five.
30. I would give you all of my bacon.
31. I wouldn’t tell people that it’s a birthmark.
32. I would give you my real phone number.
33. I would play the power cords for Rock You Like a Hurricane.
34. I would let you pick my next tattoo.
35. I would jump on a mini trampoline for 10 minutes and let you film it.
36. I would wear short shorts for an entire year (sometimes with leg warmers).
37. I would listen to every Nickleback album (that one hurts just thinking about it).
38. I would watch Hobo with a Shotgun. Alone.
39. I would change my name to Cookie.
40. I would give out my number at a truck stop.
41. I would go back to Winnamucca.
42. I would wear cut-off jean overalls on my next first date.
43. I would drink Tabasco with a straw.
44. I would set up my grandma’s Plenty of Fish profile and chaperon her dates.
45. I would give you back your lunch money.
46. I would build you a secret trail and name it after you.
47. I would post photos of only you on my website.
48. I would arm wrestle you for it.
49. I would stop wearing deodorant until someone said something.
50. I would get 12 cats and an afghan blanket.
51. I would fly to Reno on 20 minutes notice to be your date at a wedding where I didn’t know anyone and had to sleep in the back of a van.
52. I would name my boobs bangers and mash, or tango and cash, or turner and hooch.
53. I would wear a moustache for a week.
54. I would cut my short shorts shorter.
55. I would have your back in a bar fight.
56. I would sit up with you after a scary movie and keep all the lights on.
57. I would call you the next day.
58. I would let you drive my boat.
59. I would throw my panties at you at karaoke.
60. I would ask you to sign my boobs in the middle of an important business meeting (sorry about that).
61. I would never give you up, let you down, run around, desert you, tell a lie or hurt you.
62. I would wear white to a GWAR concert.
63. I would wear white to the strippers.
64. I would wear white after Labor Day.
65. I would buy you a lap dance with my last $20.
66. I would buy me a lap dance with my last $20.
67. I would watch a Law and Order marathon with you.
68. I would learn the Napoleon Dynamite dance.
69. I would vote for Pedro.
70. I would meet you half way.
71. I would hit on you at the bar.
72. I would get married to you in Vegas for 24 hours.
73. I would stop drunk texting you (no, not really).
74. I wouldn’t correct auto correct, even if things got awkward.
75. I would ask Troy Lee to sign my boobs.
76. I would walk 500 miles.
77. I would only make restaurant reservations using my stage name.
78. I would get you her number.
79. I would let you introduce me as your sister.
80. I would ride a mechanical bull.
81. I would apologize to your grandma.
82. I would call you first from jail.
83. I would start snowboarding. . . and stop crying on the chairlift.
84. I would dream of Jeanie.
85. I would tell you that you are really good at things.
86. I would tell you the story about the time my pet rabbit humped my pet chicken.
87. I would dedicate my next book to you.
88. I would be honest about your new haircut.
89. I would climb you at a metal show.
90. I would take you on a Segway tour.
91. I would let you fix my bike.
92. I would meet you for breakfast at a Denny’s in Oakland.
93. I wouldn’t explain the fish smell.
94. I wouldn’t leave you at a rest stop on the highway (at least not on purpose).
95. I would shear a sheep for you.
96. I would get you a lap dance at Jiggles Strip Club in Oregon.
97. I would give you my last condom. . .if she was hot enough.
98. I would rent you a goat on a leash and name it Billygan Diligaf.
99. I would take you to Six Flags (Can we go? Can we go?).
100. I would pay for the shipping.

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