Dirty Words: Election 2012, Who is “Bikier?”

Sal ponders the, er, mountain biker-ness of the oval office candidates

By Sal Ruibal

This sordid election cycle (pun alert!) has got me so tired. The candidates spoke, but left me flat. The long Trek from the primaries to the election has been down and dirty but, Look, the last lap is approaching. I’m not Specialized in politics, but it doesn’t take a Giant intellect to see this could be a photo finish.

Before you vote, take some time to consider a potential President as you would in that other, singular most-important selection: Your bike buddies.

Romney in the act of looking human on a bicycle.

Let’s start with the challenger. A guy from Utah named Mitt seems like he might have some potential for a bike buddy. I’m not sure if he’s ever ridden a mountain bike, but I do know that he rode skinny-tire road bikes while dodging the Vietnam draft in Paris. During that time I might have considered that cool, but his standard Mormon Missionary outfit just doesn’t have that “I was a free man in Paris, unfettered and alive” look. Needs a beret.

I ride a lot with the Mormon missionaries who visit our community several times a year. They travel by bike and I enjoy taking them on the local trails. They are way ahead of Old Mitt with their mountain bikes, but they do ride in dress pants, black shoes and white shirts. After rides I take them to the Swiss Bakery for a treat, but since they can’t have caffeine, my triple espresso shot seems like taunting.

Finally, a dog rack--exactly what the busy pet owner needs. Who hasn't struggled with tying their pitbull to the handlbars? Somebody with a degree in engineering is using their thinking cap.

As an adult, Mitt and family took many vacations, including the one when the family dog got the smelly end of the stick and had to travel in a cage lashed to the family car. We have received some newer photos showing a Mitt-style dog bike rack. I’d like to be able to pet my dog while riding, but I don’t have a dog and I’m afraid the mud-holes and rocks might be hard on poor Fido.

Democrats haven’t always been squeaky clean about cycling, either. John Kerry sat in the elite Tribune seats at the Tour de France finale with the Armstrong contingent. He is moving to their left, however. In France they call that, “gauche.”

Sal with The Bush. Apparently Bush's people checked with Lance to see if he'd vouch for Sal. Sorta ironic.

In the interest of full disclosure, I did ride with President George W. Bush at the Texas White House. I later found out that the White House called Lance Armstrong to vouch for my credibility and impartiality. I think they got that one backwards, but hindsight is always ten years with five off for good behavior. I also got a nice pair of “Peloton One” socks.

Seriously? This is the best photo of Obama on a bike that we could muster? Doesn't this guy have PR hacks working for him? Somebody get this guy a bike that's cooler than the one my grandma rides.

I’m not really sure about President Obama and bikes. This photo calls into question some style faux-pas and someone should have vetted that dorky Trek. Lance always has his hand in just about everything two-wheeled. It also appears he may be pulling a trailer. Could be that baggage Donald Trump was bleating about?

I would feel stronger about voting for President Obama if he had brought up something about building more bike lanes and safe routes to schools. I have been unable to find Romney’s position on bike infrastructure, but this photo describes his position on the role bikes will play in his administration: Move it all to China.

Vote for somebody on Election Day. Ride your bike to the polls. We bike and we vote!

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